CHANGED

Just over two years ago I packed a small, plastic bin, a bag of office drawer snacks, and wheeled it all out to my car - office doors closing behind me - thinking I'd be back in a couple of weeks. Two turned into four turned into three months turned into eight months turned into a year. And then another year. And here we are. What an exhausting, frightening, isolating, dividing, ebbing, flowing, healing, reeling two+ years it's been.

Through it all I lost almost 50 pounds, but I gained 3 hours of my life each day not having to commute across town. I lost a gallbladder, but I gained an appreciation for life after nearly losing it. I lost a dog, but gained two more. I lost the ability to venture too far out of my home, but gained SO MANY hours with my beloved pups each day. My husband lost his livelihood, but I gained a roommate and a partner in pandemic who has been with me since March 14 of 2020. Our longest time together since meeting 25 years ago! Through all I lost, I have to find appreciation in what I've gained.

__________

As we're all teetering on this precipice of a return to "normal," there are some of us (like me) who are digging our fingernails into the side of the cliff, not wanting to return to what was. I mostly can't envision an 11 hour day spent at an office, behind a desk, with 3 additional hours slumped in my car each day, as part of the traffic cattle that all of us 9-to-8ers in L.A. know all too well. I've seen what life should be about. I've tasted the sweetness of beginning my work day at 8 a.m., with a cup of tea in hand, and slippers on my feet. Zero stress in my system. No frantic phone calls to my supervisor saying, "There's an accident on the 405 and I haven't moved 40 feet in the past half hour. I'm gonna be late!" I can start working at my desk, then move my computer outside for an hour to get a little Vitamin D and hear the birds sing. Then I can move back in to take a meeting in the comfort of my own chair. I SO VALUE my

7 p.m. walks through my neighborhood each night, something I never was able to do when I didn't roll into my driveway, bleary-eyed and exhausted, at 8:30 p.m. every weekday.

I love being able to feed my dogs, both morning and night. Take breaks in the sunshine, instead of at my desk. My back pain has disappeared. I started a yoga and ballet class every Tuesday and Thursday during my lunch hour (something I never could do working outside of my home). I picked up Pilates on Saturdays. I can work until 10 p.m. if I choose, and start at 6 a.m. if I choose.

I am blessed. Oh, I know that, and I don't take a minute of any of it for granted. I am so grateful that we were able to work the way we have, and that we have a company that has supported this work-from-home lifestyle for over two years now. However, the fluidity of this new lifestyle has literally changed me. I am changed. I am not who I was two years ago. And I don't think that I can go back to being that person that I was ever again.

What will our new normal be?

__________

And as we are standing on the precipice of reemergence - one foot out the front door, the other firmly planted in the house, anxiety bubbles under the surface. You see, I have enjoyed the last 28 months living within the walls of our 1,100 square foot home.

I haven’t missed the morning and evening commutes. I never want to go back to those again. Sitting behind the wheel, heavy head balanced on hand, watching the bleary eyed slowly amble past me - all of us knowing there is a better life somewhere happening that we were not yet privy to. Until the pandemic hit.

Families ate dinner together again. Movie nights both indoors and outdoors. I know home schooling was hard for so many, but think of the historical memories these kids will have when they can look back and say, “Remember that year we didn’t go to school?” It will be a badge of honor, for a year of hard knocks.

I’m afraid to go back out into the world. I’ve forgotten how to be social. I’m socially clumsy. I realized through this all that I was a homebody. An introvert. A hypochondriac who found her safe space - nestled at home away from people and germs and traffic and stress.

How am I going to reemerge from this blissful mess?